Inadequate

Some times we feel like what we offer is not enough. Offering our love, our time, our loyalty even. It begins to feel like there’s just something extra that should come in from our end, but it’s not there.
I’ve been feeling that way of late about my mum. She will be 50 on the 16th of June, and for the first time, I feel like just loving her sincerely, being her best friend, being a good daughter- making her proud and being an example to my younger sisters- is not enough.

It pains me deeply that she isn’t even thinking of anything spectacular for a spectacular 50! All she wants is to get a new dress to wear to work. But she gave my sisters the money for that when school was about to resumeShe has constantly gone without so we’d be comfortable, and now when it matters most to me, I can’t reciprocate.

I feel like, being the first, I should make something happen, anything at all, no matter how small, on behalf of all the girls in the house, but nothing’s coming. No dinner, no spa treatment, no weekend get-away, just another ‘happy birthday!’ at 12am. That is not enough!

It does not feel good to not be able to  give my mum something different, something extra, for all the days I’ve said ‘I love you, mum’ or for all the sleepless nights we have had because I was crying over the most useless things. I want to say thank you mum and present her with something, just something different from word of mouth. 

I’m scared that I won’t make this one count, and my heart is beating faster at the realization that it’s not looking like I will make it count.

God is in control.
Have a great day.

Much love,

Your Girlfriend.

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