Stepping Back

I moved away from my wordpress for a while, because I needed to have a clear head.

It’s always easy to want to do something because you love it, like writing, like me, until you get to a block. This block is not so much one of having nothing to write anymore, as to wanting to write it the right way.

It’s the way it is with most of us, in different things. 

A good friend put it this way on instagram: “We might need to take a step back so that we can take great steps forward”. Thank you, TushGeek.

It could be taking a step back from a relationship, or a place of work- (believe me, working for money, instead of fulfilling purpose, is the worst kind of slavery), or even a life changing deal, the list is endless.

It’s a scary, uncertain move, so most times it might feel like the right thing to do is just go ahead with whatever it is, no comma, no question mark, no fullstop: just running and running.

At the end of the day, it’s the choices we make that make us who we are.

This Innocence they talk about.

I have spoken with some people, after which they told me that I am innocent. 

Okay?

 I ask, is that a good or a bad thing? They say it is good, that I have not been corrupted by the happenings in the world.

I smile.

I have never been a happening babe on campus. Popular, sometimes, but to be in that circle of people who know what’s up? Not me.

One said I am innocent because I’m not ‘loose’, and don’t show signs of becoming so anytime soon.

Okay?

At times I begin to wonder if I sound like an idiot when someone says ‘there’s an innocence about you’. I hear something closer to ‘you haven’t seen the world, you don’t know how it works’.

Here’s the shocker: I have had my fair share of the world, as young as I am, from a little age, I was ‘exposed’ to the blows that life can deal you mercilessly, and if that doesn’t count, I’m seeing more everyday.

So why in the world has it not shown on my face, or in my speech?

I really wonder.

Hello? Anybody home?

Are there times when you just wonder why your life is moving so slowly? And if you’re stuck in a place? And if you seem to keep making the same errors over and over again? And you think even God would shake his head as he’s watching you?

Hi, my name is Amaka, and we’re me.

Times like this, I just wonder: what is happening?! I’m floating through motions. Like you know you should do the right thing, but somehow, the wrong thing is easier to do.

I used to cry before, but these days I just feel empty, like I have cried, cried, cried, I want to ‘save God the effort of having extra water’…

…does that even make sense?

And no, there is no option of acting like you did nothing wrong, because, YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG! as long as your conscience is alive. Then you begin to ask yourself: am I really a Christian? Am I really doing what makes God happy? Am I living in God’s purpose for me? Answers get muddled up at this time, cos nothing seems clear.

Trying to find myself in the midst of all the ups and downs I see myself go through.

Apostle paul couldn’t have said it better when he said it in Romans 7:13-25.

Now, do I feel better knowing people are in the same ‘feeling-box’ as me? ¬†Not so much. But do I need to ask for help from God? Yes Please.

Send me some light, Lord. I need some super energy saving lamp.