That’s what the guy I was in love with said to me. I was shattered. I cried all night and couldn’t sleep, I began to wonder if, truly, I was crazy. I started trying to analyse all my relationships with people to know if I had been acting crazy all along, but they didn’t want to hurt my feelings and tell me.
I was broken to pieces. I could literally feel the pieces of my broken heart move about in my chest, making noise, stopping blood flow.
I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself, I would cry, then I would laugh. I was in between the two extremes: the hurt of it, and the irony that it was the one person I was willing to commit to that thought I was a nut case.
I had to shine the torchlight on my face to see clearly– there was no light that night– and my phone was almost dead.
See, I had used the most part of the battery to chat with my sweetheart on instant messaging ( I called him my sweetheart, to myself, because there was nothing official between us, but you know how I felt about him now.. Look up if you don’t) but I noticed that there was this divide: our conversation wasn’t flowing like it used to.
Then came the big question. It started with are you okay? Then many other things came in between, and it ended with ‘do you need help?’
Stupefied doesn’t quite express my feeling at that point. I felt slapped with many boards, stabbed with many spears, blood rushing to my head, I couldn’t move.
I forgave him that night, in my heart, after thanking him for his concern and leaving him to sleep well.
Then I couldn’t sleep.
Mum woke up to my sobs, heart-wrenching, nightie-drenching, head-aching sobs. Then we had to talk.
She knew I had felt something for the guy a long time, and she’d told me she wouldn’t mind us being serious about it. She had even said more than that (hahaha! My mum, she’s one of a kind. You’ll meet her one day) but this night, she just laughed and shook her head.
She wanted to read the chats, but I had deleted it out of the confusion I felt, I didn’t want to wake up and go back to read the chat where the one guy I had fallen completely for said I was mentally unstable: my pride couldn’t let that happen.
So we talked, mum and I. She concluded that it was not so much because of what he said, but because he was the one who said it. I agreed. I also confessed that it made me think I would never be good enough for him. Oh, that thought made me breathe funny. Very funny.
So she calmed me down, talked to me more- I’d spare you the details of what we talked about, it could fill an encyclopedia- then she put me to sleep.
What happened the next day, and days after that, also could fill more encyclopedias.
So I was ‘instagram’ing and I saw this quote from Mr. Amarisoul
And those were the conclusions I made when I woke up the next day. So, seeing them again today was like: yes! Mama! You were thinking correctly!
It’s now a joke around the house anyway, whenever I do something silly, mum goes ‘are you sure you don’t need to check with the doctor?’